Summer sadness

My blogs seem to spread further out these days - not because I'm that busy (well...partially), but because I feel down. College is definitely depressing compared to high school so summer should be full of happiness and reunion, right? Wrong. Freshmen year of college was a wreck. I don't know what haunted me this past year, but everything was full of bad luck and influences. I mean , sure, I slacked off once in a while but I felt no initiative to drive myself forward anymore. I feel as if my mind is driving me and my willpower is hindering me. I know the consequences. My GPA is already half dead and barely maintaining it for the Scholarship. I...I just don't know what to do anymore. I used to think - improving myself would work. Jobs said in his speech that I just ask myself what's wrong every morning "what's wrong" and I just have to change it. The main problem is - I don't know how. I can't seem to bring myself to make do what I want anymore. Is there a way for me to suddenly increase that drive? Some sort of magical powder perhaps? I can't fail at this anymore - the consequences have already done too much. But now the lure of the past comes again. My old Brooklyn Tech friends wants to hang out with me and the others again. Will it be a positive influence like before? Or will it be a negative influence that'll hinder me on my goals? I know they helped me in the past, but are they lost like me too? I feel like I'm just another kid lost in the depths of NY. I feel as if the stars are too high for me to reach. I really wish someone can help me.


But ah...someone. I also feel as if I've lost my directive also due to my love life - I used to work really hard for the person I like, I hopes of winning their attention, usually through my grades. Is that it? Not really. Perhaps that may be part of my problem, but not the whole problem itself. I used to like Lisha, but was terribly shot down. Then I thought of Helen as a chance, but she nowhere of my type (though she was closest to approach). Is there someone else I can work for? SomeTHING else at least? I know I definitely cannot work based on my own motives. I've tried that before and failed miserably, so having a source of inspiration as a magnet would work for me. But WHERE? I certainly don't have too much time to look. All I have now is pressure - and an aching soul. I rarely talk nowadays, even if it's on the internet. I want to cry, but tears refuse to flow. Sometimes, I feel like I'm even denying my own existence. Am I still the Ron I know? How can I fix the wrongs with me? Where are the keys to my identity? I know, I probably sound emo, but I'm not. Still, the pressure is harsh.


Financially, it is also dreadful. My aunt rarely comes home to eat dinner and on top of that, she's the ONLY person in my whole family who is employed. My dad ditched me and my mom when I was born and my mom hasn't found a job for a whole year. Things are looking bad. I can't hang out with my friends as much anymore due to budget constraints and I can't spend as much the way I happily used to. Not to mention, we have no health insurance since the government wellcare insurance keeps rejecting us (for some odd reason) and school insurance is way too expensive to afford. I originally had a lot of things planned for the summer, such as buying an ice cream machine to test out new flavors, buying a better bike to travel around and buying home media equipment to play/set up with. Now, I have to put those items on hold. What has become of me? So much has changed....I don't know how much longer I can hold it in.