What's Done Cannot be Repaired - The Future is my Goal

It's been well over a week since my last blog - and things have certainly gotten much better. It was about five days ago, when I had a personal chat with Estella about my problems and concerns. Yet, it felt like such a long time ago. Man, Poly really is stressful; it completely wiped my sadness away through its stress. Yet, I'm still glad I had such good friends. If Estella wasn't there, who knows what would've happened? Over the past week, I've kept in mind of Steve Job's speech. Indeed, everyone eventually dies, so we have to make the best of it. And so, I have to put these things behind while continuing on my personal path again. Hence, she mentioned about me being a "shining star." Yup, Estella really knows how to make other happy through her sweet words - such a wonderful girl.


So yesterday, I played Tennis for the first time this year. It said the temperature was 45 degrees at highest, but I think the weather channels lied - my hands were numb from the coldness that day (brrr....). It was still fun regardless - it was my first time playing together with Helen, Henry, and Shane in such a long time. But what was even more interesting was our lunch; me and Henry basically gobbled a TON of food making Shane and Helen drop their jaws in awe. Good times~

A two sided coin - Helen's birthday and my great grandma passing away

Helen's party yesterday afternoon was pretty fun - we played a new board game (apples to apples), played the nintendo wii, and ate the cake while popping about 15 tubes of confetti. It was fun, and cleanup ended much faster than expected. So once again, I planned Helen's surprise party for the fun of it. And oh, Helen looked really pretty today in her dress, but hey, she was the center of attraction after all.
Then, everyone left at 6pm and I came directly home after buying some groceries. What do you know? Hot pot for dinner! So after I crammed my homework, I went to sleep, only to be woken up by my grandpa that my great grandmother passed away because her two cysts/tumor erupted at around 4 am last night. I wanted to cry, but I can't. I was going to visit her tomorrow due to president's day, but the chance is now gone. The doctors lied! They said she had 1 month left, not 6 days from that damned cancer. It's too early for me to accept it. For someone who recently just gave me lunar new years money in a red envelope, I just won't accept things happening so rapidly! She was someone who I was pretty close to yet not very close - but she was still cheerful and lonely, a person I admired. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now, but still, I refuse to aknowlege another void in my life. I'm scared of voids. Life really is a two sided coin. It makes you happy then strike you back when you're most vulnerable.

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Failure - and a Horrible Week

My horoscope said it was supposed to be good these few days. Why? Why did my valentine say no to me? Am I OK? It would be a lie to say "I'm fine," but I'm doing my best to suppress my feelings right now. Hopefully, I at least look "fine" so I don't affect my friends much. I REALLY wanted to be emo - the split moment she said that "lets just continue to be friends." What I literally did was grab my bottle of Brisk Iced tea and dunked it down my stomach. I swear that if it had been alcohol, it would've gone down anyway.

Right now, I want to go through an emotional breakdown - but I can't. My great-grandma is still in the hospital, my Linear Algebra midterm is coming up in 2 days, I barely concentrated in class, I spend more than $100 on her and most of all, I got rejected. Not that I'm mad at me spending so much, but that all those things i bought had failed its general purpose. Yes, they made her happy, but I lost her heart. I'm not complaining about the money, but the time, creativity and effort wasted. Yes, I truly feel like an idiot now. I was hurt similarly once before, but I made an even bigger/better risk yesterday and was hurt once again.

Furthermore, I just made an order for her birthday cake yesterday. I realized how much I value other people's birthday and mine barely gets recognized. I feel as if others don't appreciate my presence sometimes (the vast majority, at least). And I feel stupid now too..I still tried to make her happy despite the rejection from her. 


I'm glad she replied in such a professional mature though. It was a passive text message that employed its meaning right - otherwise, I would've felt even more down. At least her decision sounded sincere - I wouldn't want a relationship that was a game. Nevertheless, I still want to tear, but I can't. Boys are strong, they can't cry - I just have to suck it up and deal with the mistake I made. I probably won't ask another girl out for a long time - not until I at least feel more secure after this incident today. At least she doesn't know my pains - it would only hurt her more if she does, so I replied back "Thank You and Good Luck on Tomorrow's Test." How stupid of me...


But I swear - if i don't get a good grade on my upcoming midterm, I won't forgive myself. 

Happy Valentines Day!!!

I wished her good luck on her exam today - but I wish I were more useful than that. It seemed like a really horrible good luck charm. I would put more effort into it if I could but HOW? I don't know...but hey, it's Valentines day today too. Once again, Lisha's not online. She shouldn't be avoiding me right? Nah, it must be because she's tired from the test. I'm really worried - but at least I had someone to talk to on AIM tonight. Estella was here for me online, so she's awesome. I really appreciate wonderful friends like her. But still, it's nerve-wracking when she just doesn't reply back AT ALL. 
Well, since the poem was sent, I might as well share it online - it had a lot of meaning to me. Perhaps I'll share it on later.

I Impatiently Sent Her a Text Message

So today, I couldn't wait. I sent her a text message telling her that she's got a gift. She seemed surprised. I'm sure  April reminded her on Friday night, since April confirmed it. But Lisha texted back saying she was busy, so I'm assuming she forgot. I trust her. She also said that she has a test tomorrow. O_O
OUCH. That'll badly impact the value of the present. Crap. Hope things go well. She promised to get the gift tomorrow. I wonder how things will work out.


On the side note, my grandmother is still in the hospital. She's definitely not lonely now since all her children and grandchildren are with her. I still couldn't go to visit her though - my mom said the hospitals are unsanitary and that there are a lot of feuds in-between the relatives (it would be bad if i get caught in it). Now I'm worried on two turfs...boo. 

Waiting in Frustration

She hasn't been online yesterday and I've asked April to tell Lisha about the present. Perhaps she's ignoring me? Or did she not get it? Ugh, the frustration!!! Ok, I gotta keep my cool. It's only been one night and one day. Maybe she is busy. I gotta give her some space. And rushing things is bad, right? I followed my heart this time and not my brain - hopefully, it's a right move.

It Finally Arrived to Her Dorm!

So today the package finally arrived in her dorm! (well, at least according to amazon shipment tracking). It arrived late at night, so I'm glad i ordered one day earlier. Whoo! So today, I had a nice TA grading my blogging homework for my Engineering Forum class. I posted my blog 30 min late and he still accepted it - I feel grateful. But then again, it was my fault for getting too distracted - I spent the majority of my night tracking that package of tea. In fact, I even forgot about my online physics because of that! Oh well. I'm sure one missed homework won't hurt much...right?
Today was also a hunger rant for me - I went on a straight marathon from 7AM in the morning until 2:30 PM. That was hell. I mean I could've gotten used to it in Tech, but with demanding college courses, that's a different story. Then, Helen dragged me to help her on her FAFSA. Seriously, how the hell can she expect me to help her on something so personal? Oh well - at least it's nice to have company. 
But ah, at least the shipment went through today - it made my day despite all the bad things that happened today. 

Should I Make a Move for Her?

Today I talked to April about Lisha. I FINALLY found a gift to find her: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000P7506M/ref=oss_product
I figured that it would be unique for Lisha, you know? Instead of regular roses, she'll see a flower bloom right in front of her and plus, it'll be beneficial to her health too! What more can be better? Now for her birthday, I also found a company that mails birthday cakes. Expensive, but if this becomes successful, it's worth it. (http://www.bakemeawish.com/) 
So focusing on the valentines first, I'm sure the delivery system will be flooded that weekend from valentines orders. But should I send it today and have her receive it Friday or let her pick it up on Saturday? Such a tough decision - in fact, even April doesn't know (typical response of her though). You know what? I'll order it today. I mean, it's $30, but hey, it's really symbolic, right? I think it's worth it. Now the only other thing - I wrote a Valentines poem about a 2 weeks ago in advance for Valentine's Day. Should I send that to her in addition to a Valentine's letter? Would I scare her? But I already wrote it out, so I don't want to waste it. You know what, it's better for the poem to be used than to collect dust - I'll send it anyways. I'm scared...how will she respond? 

Another Family Member in the Hospital

My great grandma recently needed to go to the hospital today. I hope she becomes better because the doctors said that she has a cyst in her stomach and there is a chance that cyst may be a cancer tumor. Either way, it's extremely painful, esp since they kept on inserting/withdrawing blood from her body. Man, I hope she feels better. Unfortunately, I only heard this from my family because I had class and could not go with my mom and grandma. Aging is inevitable, but I really hope she becomes better.